As the title says, last night I was searching something on my girlfriend’s phone because my data wasn’t working, and I saw an article open “Blowjob tips for small penises”.
I laughed immediately and showed her what I found, and my plan was to just laugh it off since after all, the entire reason she had the tab open is to make sex better for us.
But then as I continued cooking our dinner I felt cold, almost like when you’ve had a drink and the world is stepping away from you.
She was completely mortified that I’d seen it and I know that she didn’t mean for me to, and the entire reason it was there was a good one.
Eventually I asked the question “Do you think I’m small then?”
With little to no hesitation she replied “You said it yourself, you’re on the smaller side.”
That felt shit to hear. I asked what her process was – did she Google “Blowjobs for small dicks” straight away, or did she Google “Blowjob tips”, try them out, realise I don’t have the length for them and THEN Google the other thing.
Turns out she skipped straight to “For small dicks”
I then asked the dumbest question a man can ask – “I take it that means I’m the smallest you’ve ever been with then?”
Her response was “Yes, but the best”
That should put my mind at ease…but it just didn’t. It really didn’t.
I cooked for a while without really talking, then we ate and talked over dinner.
I explained what I was feeling and why I felt that way, and she listened and apologised and said she wishes she could take it back.
The kicker is…I’m 5.5″ with decent girth. I’m not small, I’m pretty bang on average. I just so happen to be over 6′ tall and have a rugby player’s build, I’m a grower as well so when everything is in proportion, it looks tiny compared to the rest of my body. So naturally, I’ve always been insecure about it.
What else is funny is that she’s 5′ tall, and yet she thinks my dick is small. I’ve always felt like it was but to have it outright confirmed as a matter of fact by your girlfriend…I feel cold, almost.
I was able to shake most of this off last night and we had a pretty good evening. Watched a film, hung out, laughed, and even had sex. But during the last bit I looked down, and rather than thinking “she looks so good right now”, I was thinking “she’s right, it IS small”.
I know this is my insecurity to deal with, but I’m finding it difficult, hence why I’m making this post.
We got up this morning, she was out of bed before I was, and when I got up to make breakfast I couldn’t bring myself to make eye contact with her, or hold proper conversation with her.
I even found myself flinching when she wanted a kiss, almost as if I didn’t want to.
We talked this morning and I explained that although I thought I was over it last night, the way I feel this morning shows I’m clearly not.
I know there’s no magic solution and I know everyone on here will say something along the lines of “Get over your insecurities” or “leave her”, but I just feel so trapped with the thoughts in my head, and I don’t know how to move forward from this.
So I’m making this post as a hail Mary, I suppose, and hoping someone out there can give me some advice on how to deal with what I’m feeling.
UPDATE:
I never thought I’d update this, but first off, thank you to everyone for the kind words and encouragement.
We talked a fair bit and did our best to enjoy the rest of the weekend. It wasn’t as good as we’d hoped, but it definitely had a few good memories made.
While I’m glad to say that I’m pretty much over my insecurities about my size, thanks to a lot of the comments and input here, therapy, and hitting the gym consistently, I’m also afraid to say that my girlfriend and I split up early February.
However, it was completely unrelated to this incident. It was an amicable breakup, simply due to us being in different places in life and not being the right person for each other, so although it’s a shame this didn’t work out as we’d hoped, we walked away on good terms.
I’m happy to report that I’m in the best place of my life, and although I’d love to find a new partner, I’m not going to spend every waking moment looking for her.
Thanks again to everyone for your kind words, I hope that anyone else who shares some of the feelings I expressed finds this comments section as helpful as I did.